Cole's Story

I was watching Cole nap yesterday and realized again for maybe the hundredth time that this was MY baby. It is such a surreal feeling. Jon and I will say to each other several times a day, “this is our baby, can you believe it?” When you think you may never have a baby of your own and you finally have one even 2 months later we are still in disbelief. I guess it is time to share Cole’s story. I have not shared this story yet not because I was ashamed or even scared of what you might think, because many people already know his story, but because it is so close to my heart I don’t know if words will express how deep my feelings are.

Jon and I struggled with infertility for almost 3 years before we had Cole. We waited to have kids initially so we could be married, travel, have fun, experience new things together, and grow as a married couple. We never, ever thought in our wildest dreams that we would have trouble getting pregnant. So, when we finally felt like the time was right we thought it would happen right away, why wouldn’t it? We were both healthy adults, everyone else could get pregnant so why wouldn’t we be able to? Well, we ended up trying for a year and nothing happened. I started reading books and knew that after a year you should see you doctor and get some tests done. So, we did just that. Needless to say we were diagnosed with infertility and my doctor referred us to a specialist. So we went to the specialists, they did more tests and ended up telling us we had about a 3% of getting pregnant on our own. How could that be?? It was a hard thing to hear but they said we had options. Option number 1, intrauterine insemination. They said we could try this 4 times and see if it worked though they said that the best option was IVF. These were terms I had heard before but never paid much attention and I wasn’t really sure what they were. So, we asked questions and did lots of research. We started the IUI’s in January 2009. I started Clomid and things looked hopeful. Month after month we went back in and things really looked good, like it might actually work... And month after month ended in tears and heartbreak. My insurance at the time did not cover infertility so we were paying dearly and then it never even worked. Our doctor checked my husbands insurance and discovered that his insurance covered infertility at 95%!!!!!! Unheard of! But, I wasn’t on his insurance and no matter how hard we tried to get me added, we couldn’t. So, we did 4 IUI’s all ending badly and with no pregnancy. We decided to wait until 2010 and add me to Jon’s insurance. So, that’s exactly what we did. We finished our last cycle of IUI in April 2009 and decided to put everything on hold. We almost didn’t even talk about the future or having a baby again. I thought about it all the time, cried all the time, but rarely in front of anyone. I just grew more bitter with each new baby born. I would see pregnant people and be filled with resentment, why couldn’t that be me. Friends would have babies and I would be so jealous, I would try to be happy for them but deep inside I was mad and upset.

Finally, I came to a realization... I had a wonderful life, a beautiful home, a husband I love, a job... I would be okay and I didn’t need a baby to feel whole. We could adopt one day and even if that didn’t work out Jon and I would have a beautiful life together, whatever God had in his plan would be fine. I still cried of course because deep down I thought one day I would end up pregnant. So, 2009 passed uneventfully and 2010 began. I enrolled in Jon’s insurance as well as my own. We discussed IVF and decided that we probably needed to go talk to the doctor again about it. We wanted to give it a try especially since it was covered by Jon’s insurance; that was a sign to us that it was meant to be. Most insurances don’t cover IVF and his did. So, we met with the doctors because we had some reservations about IVF. We didn’t want to have lots of left over embryos to freeze. Because if you have left over embryos you can use them one day, freeze them indefinitely, adopt them out, donate them to science or throw them away. And for me personally I didn’t want to do any of that...I wanted to use them and no one else. And freezing them indefinitely is just as bad as throwing them away. And if we had left overs I didn’t want a lot left over. I have heard of stories where people get pregnant with twins and don’t want more kids and they have 10 embryos left over...then what...? So, we prayed... We asked for prayers of our church and asked our friends to pray. I wanted this to be the right thing to do, I wanted to feel good about it.

I also had reservations about stepping in and taking things into my own hands. What if we weren’t meant to have kids and this was God’s way of telling us. So, I prayed about that. After talking to Jon and many others about this issue I realized if we weren’t meant to have kids then IVF wouldn’t work. And regarding my thoughts on “playing God” I realized that God blessed us all with amazing medical technology... People can receive new organs, we can destroy cancer and people who are infertile can have babies. So, we decided to go through with it. And so we began our IVF journey in April 2010...

To be continued...