Cole's Story part 3 (sorry it has taken so long...)

Soooo, where did I leave off??? It has been forever since I have even blogged... Sorry... So, the doctors had gotten 19 eggs!! That was a huge success! After the retrieval they told me to drink lots of gatorade and take it easy. I had only asked off for this one day because I didn’t think the procedure would be too bad, this is what they had told me after all. Boy, was I wrong. On the way home we got Chick fil a, which I could barely eat because my mouth was SO dry. I had no saliva whatsoever because of one of medications they had given me. It was so strange, it took me about 3 hours to eat my chicken biscuit.... We also stopped and got gatorade. I got home and got comfortable, the pain wasn’t too bad...yet... I went to sleep and really didn’t adhere to their whole drink gatorade nonstop thing, I mea, how serious could this be? The procedure was super easy. I woke up from my nap, ate some ramen for lunch and then felt VERY strange. Almost panic attack strange: ringing in my ears, weird vision, sick to my stomach. I thought I needed to go to the bathroom so I got up pretty quickly. I felt very wobbly and the ringing in my ears got worse. Before I got to my bedroom I stopped in the doorway, Jon said he was talking to me and that I was swaying really bad, but I never heard him and my vision had gone completely black. I had passed out. Jon had gotten up just in time to catch me before I fell, thank goodness. One of the scariest moments in my life, Jon’s too. I came to and Jon was beside me yelling for me to wake up and he was very upset. We didn’t know what was going on. He called the doctors office and they said drink Gatorade!!!! So I chugged it, and threw it all up and most of my lunch...all over the carpet. Gross I know, but it was all part of my experience. We were both so shaken that I called my mom and she came down to spend the night. The rest of the day I stayed in bed and Jon walked with me whenever I got up. By that night my abdomen hurt so bad!! That night I slept in our chair since I could not get comfortable in bed. The next day I hurt even worse! Jon called in to work for me to tell my boss I was in no shape to come in to work. We called the doctor back and made an appointment to be seen that morning. I was in bad shape and they had told me it wouldn’t be that bad, they said I would have “minor” cramping. Mom drove us downtown to the hospital and the doctor did an ultrasound. Everything looked good, just my ovaries were VERY swollen (like Softballs!!!) and it would take weeks for them to go back to normal. I mean, I had produced 19 eggs!! What did I expect?!?! I could barely walk and now I could barely eat. My ovaries were so swollen, I didn’t have any room to put food in my stomach!! When I did finally eat I was full after about 2 bites of food...and if you know me you know I LOVE to eat! I stayed out of work all week... I was in pain ALL week!! It is still one of the worst pains I have ever known, even worse than my c-section, I promise!

May 22, 2010 was my scheduled transfer. It was a Saturday morning. The instructions were to empty my bladder an hour before my appointment then drink 16 ounces of fluid and hold it... I am no good at this! I always have to pee!!! By the time I got there I was in pain!! My appointment was at 8:15 and they called me back at 8:30. I couldn’t hold it anymore! I told the nurse we needed to do something quick because I was in pain! I put on my robe and the nurse checked my bladder for me on the ultrasound. It was FULL!!!! She told me to go to the bathroom and count to 8 and then come back. So, I emptied my bladder for 8 seconds, some relief but I still hurt...She checked me again, still full!!! So, this happened about 4 times and then we were good to go :) Jon left after this and the embryologist comes in, (it all takes place in a sterile room and Jon was not allowed in there). She tells me we have 3 morulas but no blastocysts (this is what they want for transfer). We had created 10 embryos and this was all that was left. Morulas are a day behind a blastocyst (day 4 versus day 5), I was upset and thought for sure that it wouldn’t work, but they seemed optimistic. They wanted to know if I wanted all three put back... Jon and I had discussed this and I was terrified if all 3 took!!! We had decided to do 2 no matter what. So, I told them to let one keep growing and put 2 of them back in. The 3rd morula ended up not growing anymore so we have no frozen embryos left, we have 9 frozen eggs though. During the transfer I was able to watch the whole thing on the ultrasound. I saw the 2 little cells being put back into my body. Little did I know then that my precious Cole was there right before my eyes, 5 days old :) Now just thinking about it it brings me to tears. Then after all of that was done I had to lay there for 30 minutes. Luckily the nurse was super sweet and we talked about babies and having kids and just general chit chat. We headed home after that to a day of bed rest for me. Now, if you know me this is not what I do. It was SOOOOOO hard for me!!!! Pretty much flat on my back all day! It was horrible!! I watched movies in the bedroom all day!!!! But I was so bored and so just wanted to get up and walk around. That night I moved onto the couch and Jon went and got us Longhorn for dinner. The next 2 weeks were the hardest yet, we had to wait until June 1for my blood test! I guess we all know where this is headed now...until next time :)

Cole's Story, part 2

Crazy, right?? We took this picture to forever remember what it took for us to have a baby. Who knew that IVF involved all of this?!? I certainly didn’t. So, I officially started the meds on April 29, 2010. And if you didn’t know the meds for IVF are shots. I have never been a good shot taker...I don’t like them and they make me nervous. These shots are are subcutaneous and I should have been able to give them to myself... Yeah right. So, I made sure Jon knew what he was doing and employed him to be my shot giver. I could not and will not give a shot to myself. I looked back in my journal from this time and here is what I wrote regarding the first shot. Shots were given first thing in the morning...”That night I woke up in a cold sweat thinking about those shots. Then I felt sick the whole next day. The night before the first shot I barely slept. Jon said he was restless too. So, he got up and showered like normal and then woke me up. Ugh, I was so nervous. These needles were short and went in my upper thigh. After all my worrying it didn’t really hurt, though I did flinch.” So, those shots weren’t too bad and I felt pretty good, no real side effects.

Our IVF start appointment was on May 4, 2010. They check hormone levels and do an ultrasound to make sure everything looked ready to go. Also on May 4 was the first day I didn’t flinch during my morning shot :)

The doctor went over the next set of shots with us too. These shots required some mixing on our part and they went in my stomach. These made me a little nervous as well... We were also told that the egg retrieval would fall between May 17 and 26. It was all happening so fast, it was scary and exciting all at the same time. We were praying so hard that this would work, that we would only have to go through this process once to get our precious baby. But, I am a very pessimistic person and always felt like it wouldn’t happen. I always doubted, always thought that it wouldn’t work.

Here is another journal entry regarding the newest shot, “The bravelle and menopure shots STING going in. It hurt so bad that I flinched and have a HUGE bruise on my stomach. Sunday I started using ice beforehand and it helps but it still stings. We went to the doctor on Saturday and they did blood work and an ultrasound. We have 10 follicles and an estradiol level of 298, last Tuesday it was 20. The nurse said they want it to reach 1000. I went to the doctor today and we had 12 follicles ranging from 7-14mm. Dr. Winslow said that we should be ready fro retrieval on Sunday or Monday. I asked off Monday either way, either for retrieval or just to relax. I just pray that this works and part of me really thinks that this will really and truly work. The odds are good for us. It just seems unattainable though and I get so scared sometimes. We would be great parents. I know this. I just have to keep my fears and feelings in check and trust God.”

Retrieval was set for Monday, 5/17/10. I was off that day and was told that it wouldn’t hurt that bad. I would be put to sleep and they would get the eggs. It sounded easy enough. Meanwhile Jon would have to tell them how many eggs to fertilize. When they retrieved the eggs since I would be asleep/out of it Jon would have to tell them how many to fertilize. We had talked to some of the nurses at the practice about our beliefs, about when we felt life truly began and what we could do to feel good about this process. Like I said before, I didn’t want a lot of frozen embryos sitting around. One of the nurses told us we would freeze some of the eggs and only fertilize some of the eggs. She said that frozen eggs can be used later if we wanted more children but that frozen embryos would work better. But, I felt better about this. To me a frozen embryo represents a life whereas an egg does not, this was definitely something I wanted to do. We realized that frozen eggs may not work as well as the frozen embryos but I felt better about in my heart, I knew that this was the right thing to do. So, Jon and I discussed this over and over again. What was a good number...how many would we do...half of however many eggs they got...6...8...10... It was a constant conversation for us. We didn’t want to do too few because they usually put 2 embryos back. So, we prayed and continued talking about it. We decided we would do 8. That would be assuming that they would all “take.” Embryos are given 5 days to mature properly and then they are put “back in” so to speak. I have read stories where 10 were fertilized and none made it to day 5. So, it was scary making this decision. I didn’t want to go through all of this and end up with nothing... We had to choose our number and stick to it and pray that we at least got one baby from all of this. That is all we wanted.

May 15 at 9pm Jon gave me my HCG trigger shot. This was a different kind of shot. It went into the muscle on my upper backside region, if you know what I mean... I was SO nervous about this shot. We watched a movie that night, tried to relax (yeah right...) and then about 5 minutes til 9 we got up and iced the region to prep for the shot. The nurse had drawn a box with a sharpie on the place that he was to give me the shot. It didn’t hurt at all!!! We were on our way. My retrieval appointment was at 7am on Monday and I was called back at 7:30. They took me to the OR and told me what was going to happen. They said after the procedure to take it easy, drink LOTS of fluids especially Gatorade for the next 10 days or more. They said the more eggs they retrieved the more liquids I need to drink. I was so nervous... The eggs were retrieved and I had 19!!!!! Wow!!!! Our odds were looking very good!!!
More to come... :)

Cole's Story

I was watching Cole nap yesterday and realized again for maybe the hundredth time that this was MY baby. It is such a surreal feeling. Jon and I will say to each other several times a day, “this is our baby, can you believe it?” When you think you may never have a baby of your own and you finally have one even 2 months later we are still in disbelief. I guess it is time to share Cole’s story. I have not shared this story yet not because I was ashamed or even scared of what you might think, because many people already know his story, but because it is so close to my heart I don’t know if words will express how deep my feelings are.

Jon and I struggled with infertility for almost 3 years before we had Cole. We waited to have kids initially so we could be married, travel, have fun, experience new things together, and grow as a married couple. We never, ever thought in our wildest dreams that we would have trouble getting pregnant. So, when we finally felt like the time was right we thought it would happen right away, why wouldn’t it? We were both healthy adults, everyone else could get pregnant so why wouldn’t we be able to? Well, we ended up trying for a year and nothing happened. I started reading books and knew that after a year you should see you doctor and get some tests done. So, we did just that. Needless to say we were diagnosed with infertility and my doctor referred us to a specialist. So we went to the specialists, they did more tests and ended up telling us we had about a 3% of getting pregnant on our own. How could that be?? It was a hard thing to hear but they said we had options. Option number 1, intrauterine insemination. They said we could try this 4 times and see if it worked though they said that the best option was IVF. These were terms I had heard before but never paid much attention and I wasn’t really sure what they were. So, we asked questions and did lots of research. We started the IUI’s in January 2009. I started Clomid and things looked hopeful. Month after month we went back in and things really looked good, like it might actually work... And month after month ended in tears and heartbreak. My insurance at the time did not cover infertility so we were paying dearly and then it never even worked. Our doctor checked my husbands insurance and discovered that his insurance covered infertility at 95%!!!!!! Unheard of! But, I wasn’t on his insurance and no matter how hard we tried to get me added, we couldn’t. So, we did 4 IUI’s all ending badly and with no pregnancy. We decided to wait until 2010 and add me to Jon’s insurance. So, that’s exactly what we did. We finished our last cycle of IUI in April 2009 and decided to put everything on hold. We almost didn’t even talk about the future or having a baby again. I thought about it all the time, cried all the time, but rarely in front of anyone. I just grew more bitter with each new baby born. I would see pregnant people and be filled with resentment, why couldn’t that be me. Friends would have babies and I would be so jealous, I would try to be happy for them but deep inside I was mad and upset.

Finally, I came to a realization... I had a wonderful life, a beautiful home, a husband I love, a job... I would be okay and I didn’t need a baby to feel whole. We could adopt one day and even if that didn’t work out Jon and I would have a beautiful life together, whatever God had in his plan would be fine. I still cried of course because deep down I thought one day I would end up pregnant. So, 2009 passed uneventfully and 2010 began. I enrolled in Jon’s insurance as well as my own. We discussed IVF and decided that we probably needed to go talk to the doctor again about it. We wanted to give it a try especially since it was covered by Jon’s insurance; that was a sign to us that it was meant to be. Most insurances don’t cover IVF and his did. So, we met with the doctors because we had some reservations about IVF. We didn’t want to have lots of left over embryos to freeze. Because if you have left over embryos you can use them one day, freeze them indefinitely, adopt them out, donate them to science or throw them away. And for me personally I didn’t want to do any of that...I wanted to use them and no one else. And freezing them indefinitely is just as bad as throwing them away. And if we had left overs I didn’t want a lot left over. I have heard of stories where people get pregnant with twins and don’t want more kids and they have 10 embryos left over...then what...? So, we prayed... We asked for prayers of our church and asked our friends to pray. I wanted this to be the right thing to do, I wanted to feel good about it.

I also had reservations about stepping in and taking things into my own hands. What if we weren’t meant to have kids and this was God’s way of telling us. So, I prayed about that. After talking to Jon and many others about this issue I realized if we weren’t meant to have kids then IVF wouldn’t work. And regarding my thoughts on “playing God” I realized that God blessed us all with amazing medical technology... People can receive new organs, we can destroy cancer and people who are infertile can have babies. So, we decided to go through with it. And so we began our IVF journey in April 2010...

To be continued...

Cole is a connoisseur ...

...of pacifiers that is. We have 3 pacifiers that we carry around everywhere with us. If we are holding Cole we have those 3 magic pacifiers with us. Let me explain... Cole wants a different pacifier for different things. It sounds strange but it is so true. Whatever works, right? Well, this is what works for us. Let me introduce you to our lifesavers :)

Here we have the Soothie...

Cole wants this pacifier only when he is bottle feeding. We have to stop him when we feed him with a bottle because he drinks it SO fast. So, we take the bottle away for short periods of time and give him his soothie. He sucks happily away (after crying for a short while about losing his bottle) and then we give him his bottle back. This soothie definitely works it’s magic for Cole.

Here we have the Platex Binky.

This one is used more frequently than the soothie, like I said the soothie only works during bottle feedings. The Binky is mostly used after I nurse him. These first 2 pacifiers don’t stay in his mouth that well. He sucks on them and they eventually fall out. But, they work when they need to.

Here is our MVP the Nuk.

This pacifier is the one used most of all. He sleeps with it, rides in the car with it and just overall enjoys it. When all else fails he will take this pacifier. It stays in the best and works the best. I don’t know what we would do without it.

Jon jokes that he wants to put them all on a key ring so we have easy access to all of them. It is so funny how 3 of the same thing work so differently for our little boy. But, like I said whatever works. Cole is our little pacifier connoisseur :)

Cooking with Cole

(2nd post today, see below for another post :) )

While I was pregnant I researched lots of things to be able to have the best when Cole got here. One of the things I really wanted was an Ergo baby carrier. I was lucky enough to get one a couple of weeks back and let me tell you it has been a LIFESAVER!!! Cole loves to be held, he doesn’t care for the bouncy seat, swing or carseat so when I NEED to get stuff done I strap him into the Ergo carrier and he usually drifts off to sleep. As I mentioned in my last blog we even have to shop with him in the carrier. I so wish that he liked his carseat or any of the other things that he SO hates but at least he loves his carrier.

So, about 2 weeks ago I put Cole on to cook dinner. It was quite successful. I managed to cook a whole meal with Cole fast asleep. I cooked an artichoke and fontina cheese pasta that was so good. Problem was that after dinner was cooked Cole was still asleep. At the time I had not yet mastered putting Cole down to nap from the carrier, now I am a pro at that :) So, I decided to eat dinner while letting Cole snooze in the carrier...Here is what happened...

Yummy pasta...

And an artichoke in poor Cole’s hair. I tried so hard to be careful. Jon and I cracked up over this :) Cole was none the wiser and never even woke up.

So, it has been a while. But it seems I never have time to do anything anymore... Who knew a newborn would do that to you? It seems I have never given mothers enough credit... When you see people out and about with their babies it always looks so fun, so easy. You never see the behind the scenes...what it took to get out and about (making sure they were fed, diapered), getting them in their carseat and keeping them happy while you head to your destination, making sure they have napped or had a good night’s sleep. Now I see all the behind the scenes work and let me tell you Jon and I are working our tails off.

I am so blessed that I am able to be a stay at home mom, but don’t let anyone tell you that it is easy. Especially at this stage. Cole is 6 weeks old and everyday seems to get a little better. We have had him in his crib since he was 2 weeks old and this seems to be working out well. We started putting him to bed between 8:30 and 9:00 this way we can enjoy a little time to ourselves before we go to bed. We used to be night owls staying up late, now we are always in bed by 10pm, usually before that though. Cole will sleep anywhere from 2-5 hours at first during the night. It is usually about 3 hours and then he wakes up and one of us feeds him. During the week Jon usually takes the first feeding and I take all subsequent feedings which are usually like at 3 and 5. By 5am Jon is getting ready fro work so I get up and get my coffee and then take care of Cole, who on a good day will go back to sleep after the 5am feeding. This past Monday was not one of those days. He would not go back to sleep and he wanted to eat hourly almost. I finally figured out he was probably going through a growth spurt. This happened 2 days this past week, fussy not wanting to sleep and only wanting to eat. So, it was tiring for all involved.

Cole really doesn’t like to sleep on his back. So, during the day he naps on his tummy and I check on him regularly. I am afraid to do this at night since he is across the house in his own room. So, we had to figure out how to make this work. We swaddle him tightly after we feed him and then wait until he is relaxed and put him in his crib. Jon is so good at getting him down at night, it is such a blessing. If the swaddle comes undone he is awake, if he went down with his pacifier and it falls out he is awake and if he is hungry he is definitely awake. Sometimes he wakes up just to be held, he is definitely a cuddler and loves to be held. Sometimes he’ll wake and as soon as you pick him up he is fine and falls back asleep in our arms.

Cole hates all things carseat...the car, the stroller and the carseat itself. He did so good at first. By at first I mean about the first week of life. After that it has been a challenge. We put him in and strap him in and he cries. So, we give him the pacifier. We get into the car and he does okay at first. Then the pacifier falls out and he cries. We put it back in, it falls out, we put it back in until finally he is done. Nothing will calm him down and he screams. He is only better once we are at our destination and we get him out of the carseat. So, the last couple of outings we have had (with both Jon and I, I have only ventured out once by myself and am scared to try it again) I wear him around in our Ergo Baby Carrier. He loves this and usually goes to sleep while we do our shopping. At least this works. He does okay on walks but when we have tried to go shopping someone usually has to get him out and hold him while the other pushes the stroller. We are definitely learning more everyday. Life is different now and chances are it will never be the same, but that is alright because God blessed us with our little miracle named Cole.

How do I love thee...

Cole is now 2 weeks and 4 days old. Yet, I feel like I have known him forever, like he has never not been with us. They say that is what it is like when you have children and I now can vouch for that on my own. He has changed our lives and we will never, ever be the same. I can stare at Cole all day long and still be amazed that God blessed us with this sweet, sweet baby. He is beautiful and he is more than I ever dreamed he would be. I remember when I was pregnant (not too long ago... :) )that Jon and I would wonder what he would be like, what he would look like. And I never could have dreamed or imagined how perfect he would be. I sometimes stare at him and tears fill my eyes, this baby is such a miracle for us, such a blessing from God. Motherhood does change you, you love like you never knew that you could and you love someone so instantly that you cannot quite believe it yourself. I dream big dreams for Cole already, I worry for him already, I want to protect him from this world and always be his mommy.

Now, let me start with Cole’s birth story...we went to the doctor on 2/2/11 to see how everything was going. Cole had STILL not dropped and there was no progress in any way. So, my doctor sent me off for another ultrasound to see what his weight was. Well...this time he was off the charts. The calculation couldn’t even calculate his weight because his tummy was so big. I told them I enjoyed eating and so did he :) The last couple of months we lived on brownies and steaks and potatoes :) They estimated him at being between 10 and 11 pounds. NO way, right. Jon and I were both 8 pound babies, there was no way we were having an 11 pound baby. But, my doctor still suggested the c-section. I was terrified and even started to tear up as I watched the ultrasound, I knew what the doctor was going to suggest and I was scared to death. We went back and talked to the doctor and asked all of our questions. He wanted what was best for us and for Cole, so we put our trust in him and planned for Cole to come on Friday, February 4, 2011 at 7:30 am. I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or not by having a c-section, I wouldn’t have to go through labor or pushing for hours on end and chances were that Cole was just too big for me to deliver, even if I had tried he probably would’ve ended up a c-section anyway. So, we left the doctors office, called our families and then Jon and I went and got a pedicure :) We both really enjoyed it and it helped calm me down a little bit. I even got mine painted blue for boy.

We went home and packed our bags again (by the way we packed WAY too much and have learned our lesson for next time). We ran errands on Thursday and did my pre-op. Thursday night my entire family (minus Jason) came down for dinner at Longhorn ( I told you steak and potatoes...) it was so special to me. It was a celebration of what was to come. Thursday night was weird for us, we couldn’t believe that Cole was going to be here so soon. We got our sleep and had to be at the hospital by 5:30 am.

Here I am before we left for the hospital with my other kids

There was a 10 pound baby in there!!!!!!!!

It is still so surreal to think about. I know that I did it, I had the surgery but it feels like it was years ago. But it wasn’t even 3 weeks ago. We got there and got checked in, got my IV and then we waited. Both sets of parents came to see us while we waited and then at about 7am they wheeled me to the OR. Jon had to wait outside so I could get prepped and get my spinal. The nurses and doctors that were there that morning were so nice and so reassuring. The spinal wasn’t bad at all, I barely felt anything. I got back on the table and felt so weird...every breath felt strange and I started to panic. Then when they strapped my arms down I really started to panic. Again they reassured me, told me Cole would be here soon and that Jon was on his way in. The surgery wasn’t that bad, I really shouldn’t have been so afraid. Jon looked more scared than I felt. I think it was the table shaking as they tried to get Cole out. He was so far up in my ribs that it took the doctors 2 pushes to get him out. I loved hearing him cry for the first time and it made me cry and Jon cry. Jon got to go see him and he told me he was beautiful, that he had lots of hair and that he had his chin. They also talked about how big he was, I couldn’t wait to hear how much he weighed and I couldn’t wait to see him. It was so hard to wait. They finally brought him by so I could see him. He was beautiful and he had tons of hair!!!

Well, he ended up weighing 10 pounds and 4 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. So, the doctor was right, he was a big baby. There was no way I could’ve delivered him naturally. Thank goodness we listened to the doctor!!!! Cole also had low blood sugar at birth, which lots of big babies do. They had to check him after every feeding to make sure his blood sugar was going up and by midnight that night his blood sugar had gone up and stayed up. After that Cole continued to do great. I however, did not. I lost a lot of blood in the surgery and had to have 2 blood transfusions on Saturday. So, I had to stay in bed for almost 48 hours without being able to get up. It was horrible!! By Saturday night they got me up and let me sit in a chair and go to the bathroom. It was so nice to finally get up and move around even though I was really sore. By Monday we were ready to leave the hospital...Sunday night they moved us to a smaller room because the wing we had been in was closing since we were the last people over there. It was a tiny room and we could hear everyone around us. I barely slept and was just so ready to be home. Monday morning they tested Cole again for jaundice and it turns out he had a touch of it. But, thank goodness we could still go home. We left at about 3:30 and it was cold and rainy.

Me and Cole (a horrible picture but really the only one that was taken in the hospital)

We have been doing great here adjusting to our new life. My mom stayed with us off and on for 2 weeks. She went home over the weekend but came back on Sunday night. I am so glad and grateful that she was able to help us. It was such a blessing. Cole has been doing great, he is back up to birth weight and the jaundice finally went away. I am healing pretty well, I was doing really well and then felt very sick the other night. My doctor gave me some new pain medication and I have been doing much better. I will write more later about the last couple of weeks but I will leave you with some pictures now :)

In our bed one morning after we had gotten up, I love the milk on his face :)

Daddy and Cole asleep

Ashley and Cole (he was 1 week old)

Look at that hair!!!! It curls when it is wet!!!!

Cole and his cousin Elyn (who is about 3.5 months older than him!!!!!!) Pretty much the same size!

At the zoo today, we went with my mom and Kelly and her girls

With daddy at the zoo

With his cousins at the zoo :)